Watching Juan sleep

Lately, in the middle of the night, my mind kicks into overdrive, pops my eyes open, and leaves me wide awake — with very few options. If I get up, the dogs do too and the flurry and commotion that ensues is not conducive to any of us returning to a sleeping dog pile.

So I stay in bed and watch Juan sleep.


Juan-watching is not as uninteresting as one might think. He can fall asleep anywhere, anytime, and in the most unusual positions. Also he hums words in the back of his throat every time he exhales. His favorite word seems to be 0-Oh-me, pause, 0-Oh-me, pause, 0-Oh-me, pause. For hours. Or until the word changes.

Uh-uh (meaning no and not to be confused with uh-huh meaning yes, which I’ve never heard him hum), is popular with him too. Fi-i-re, hummed with a bit more exuberance, is probably left over from his days as an assistant fire chief. He’s never exhaled y-es-dear, but I contribute that to the fact that the consonants y and d are hard to hum.

But the other night’s Juan-watching reminded me of another one of my inventions.

I haven't dated in the last 20-years but I do have sympathy for the single women out there.



She picks out this great looking cowboy while she's on the prowl and takes him home. Then what? He kicks off his alligator boots, strips out of those slim Wranglers, and stashes his hat on her bedpost. As he climbs into bed, the single gal realizes all his charming personality was in the clothing! Her mind screams, "What have I done?"

My invention solves this problem. It called the Cowboy Keeper and is modeled here by Juan Luckybastard.



Ah, you say, that hat isn't that attractive from the back but ladies, just look how great this cowboy looks in my bed!


See why it's called the Cowboy Keeper? I'm keepin' this guy!

Guest blogging b@$!@#d!

Since The Texas Woman has been a backsliding blogger lately, I, her husband Juan Luckybastard, have decided to guest blog today in an effort to get Cher back to her laptop.

Oh, I remember the days when associating Cher with a lap top meant something totally different to me than it does now but I'd better not go down that trail. She might not let me come back to blog again.

Like my name implies, I count myself lucky. While most men are forced to change into their wife's idea of an ideal husband, Cher is becoming more and more like me! Soon we'll have matching hairdos, or should I say matching lack of hairdos since we'll both be bald. And in a matter of months we'll have matching chests too — both flat.

At first, Cher wondered if the lack of these human accessories would effect my feelings towards her but I pointed out that she fell in love with me when I was both bald and flat-chested and I know I'll love her when she's bald and flat-chested too!

But the best part of the new Cher will be that I'll get my pick of these lovely ladies to spend time with...

...ahhhh, would number two please step forward?