Thursday, February 19, 2009

John Wayne ain't dead!

I'm not usually a name dropper but I was visitin' with John Wayne yesterday, talkin' about Texas and the Old West, ya know, and I reminded him of the old joke: Old cowboys never die. They just smell that way!

Not that John smelled. He didn't. I was just talkin' about cowboys in general.

Knowing I was a water aerobic instructor, he came back with: Old swimmers never die, they just have a stroke. That John's a real jokester.

Since we were at my M-I-L's nursing home, I countered with: Old photographers never die, they get sent to an old focus home.

He stated: Old bloggers never die, they just move to a new URL address.

Then I said: Old pole dancers never die, they just lose their grip, which reminded me of a story about my mother.

As you know, my mother was in the same nursing home that my M-I-L lives in now. One day as I was getting ready to go to work, I got the call that every adult-with-a-mother-in-a-nursing-home dreads.

"Your mother's stripping in the lobby!" Linda told me.

"I'll be right there!" I said. I figured since she was wheelchair bound, I'd get there before she dropped her last scarf.

So here's the chorus because this story would make for a fine country/western song:

Oh, my mother was a wheelchair ridin' stripper.
My mother was a wheelchair ridin' stripper.
After she fell and cracked her dome,
We put her in a home.
My mother was a wheelchair ridin' stripper.

By the time I got to the nursing home, aides had hustled Mom to her room, dressed her again, and given her a cookie.

"Mom," I said. "What's been goin' on?"

"Nothin," she said, smacking her toothless lips around another cookie.

"I hear you've had quite the morning. Ya know, ya can't go takin' your clothes off in the lobby. You've got to come back to your room to do that."

Mom kept gumming her cookie.

"Mom, you listening to me?"

To which she replied, "They were just jealous 'cause I wasn't wearing a bra."

To the chorus!

Oh, my mother was a wheelchair ridin' stripper.
My mother was a wheelchair ridin' stripper.
She tried her level best

To fit in with the rest but
My mother was a wheelchair ridin' stripper.

True story. Well, not the John Wayne part, but the rest is true. Within nine days Mom lost her grip on her pole. What we didn't know on the day of the strippin' was that she was suffering from a massive infection due to a busted intestine at an old operation site. Fevers don't always show up in old strippers people.

In her right mind Mom would have loved this story and the song...if it was about someone else. But I can see where someone could think that stripping was OK at this establishment. Take a look at the email address on the business card of my friend who works there!


Hmmm, Mike must be in charge of all the old "madams" that live at the home!



Here's Dr. Gene Howard A.K.A. John Wayne with my M-I-L. See ya later today, dear.

UPDATE From Trash Talk: Deb added this verse to our family song and I'm laughing so hard, I'm peeing my jeans!

Oh, my mother was a wheelchair ridin' stripper.
My mother was a wheelchair ridin' stripper.
She'd ride without her vest,
Showing everyone her chest.
My mother was a wheelchair ridin' stripper.


Thanks, Deb!

8 comments:

  1. Gene really does look quite a bit like the duke! Nice pic of him and your M-I-L.

    ReplyDelete
  2. He does look a lot like the Duke!

    ReplyDelete
  3. I'd like to add my version with your permission, of course.
    Oh, my mother was a wheelchair ridin' stripper.
    My mother was a wheelchair ridin' stripper.
    She'd ride without her vest,
    Showing everyone her chest.
    My mother was a wheelchair ridin' stripper.

    Thank you! I'll be playing here all week!

    Great post. Your mother must have been a hoot like you. Debbie

    ReplyDelete
  4. For a minute there I thought I was really looking at John Wayne! You always make me laugh...can't wait to meet you in Warrenton next month! Great post.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Thanks for the kind comments and the dry diaper! I have now written a verse and if I could write music we'd have ourselves a hit song. Ready?

    Mamma was a wheelchair ridin' stripper.
    Ridin' round starting old men's fires.
    The women would protest,
    About her big ol' chest.
    Sure hope it don't get caught beneath the tires.

    Now everybody sing:
    Chorus

    Tn'T

    ReplyDelete
  6. Wow he looks just like the DUKE! I bought Kahuna an Old Guys Rules T-shirt that Has John Wayne on it. I love the song! In another life I was a nursing home administrator. I have a bazillion stories like your mother.

    ReplyDelete
  7. The song & the story of your mom - TOO FUNNY! I read your blog this morning, but got an error when I commented. Glad I had to come back because I got to read Debbie's verse. You guys are way too creative!

    It seems you are a lot like your mom...

    -FringeGirl

    ReplyDelete
  8. Oh, my mother was a wheelchair ridin' stripper.
    My mother was a wheelchair ridin' stripper.
    She would smile and she would flash,
    The old men would give her cash,
    My mother was a wheelchair ridin' stripper.

    Funny post!

    Malisa

    ReplyDelete

Your opinion doesn't count, but I'd like to know what it is anyway! Please leave a comment!