Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Totally Tasteless Tuesday

I traveled to Victoria, Texas, this past weekend and discovered her secret. I also found out that all this recession talk is a bunch of balderdash. Or maybe Victoria, Texas, is just recession proof.

For those faint of heart, stop reading NOW. One more sentence will be too late. Way too late. Ya see, I went to Victoria to attend a sex toy party with our Intimacy Advisor (yes, that’s what her business card says) Mandy.

In all my days I’ve never heard of a sex toy party and I’m 63-years old. But then again maybe that’s why I haven’t heard of them. Age apparently limits invitations to such things. I was the oldest woman there and made a valiant effort not to burst into laughter at such terms as “Shake hands with your….”

No, I can’t even say it or I'll break into side-splitting laughter again and my body still hurts from laughing so hard the other night. Use your imagination to finish the sentence but try to control your hysteria! After you reach a certain age, people are always watching you, wondering when they should call the family lawyer and have you committed.

So I maintained my composure through demonstrations of animal-named sex toys, such as the Dancing Dolphin, the Turtle Frenzy, the Rabbit Habit, and the Jack Rabbit, and through veggie- and flower-named toys, Pretty in Pink Pineapple, Tempting Tulip, and the Magic Mushroom. But it was a struggle. I found myself vibrating, so to speak, with internal laughter, especially when told how positions that come naturally during intimate moments now have names. The Backwards Cowboy, for example. Who knew?

We also learned there are all kinds of bullets - the plain Bullet, the Double Bullet, the Beaming Bullet, the Maxi Bullet, and the Mini Bullet - which was quite interesting to me since IT Guy and I had just spent the day jumping from one gun shop to another, looking for a certain gun and I didn’t see any of those bullets advertised. He did, however, find and buy THE gun that he’s been looking for all over Texas.

There was also the Pretty in Pink Bullet which I thought went with the pink .22 but our young hostess corrected me. By this time her mother, my friend Ann, had long since gone to bed, for which I was grateful because the ladies were about to receive a demonstration of the Backwards Cowboy, a not-to-be missed event but one which would have thrown Ann into heart failure if she had viewed it.

So after we had fondled and sprayed, rubbed and sniffed, and placed and replaced batteries in unending order, we got to the buying part. Which of these little gems would each of the lovely single and married party goers want to take home….

We never got to know. Apparently that’s Victoria's secret. Our intimacy advisor took each goer into the master bedroom one at a time to take their order in private. After all that sharing, all that intimacy, we would never know who preferred which sex toy. But we would get to know how much money they spent, since the hostess gets a gift based on the total dollar amount.

Let’s just say that in Victoria, Texas, there is no recession, only secrets.


  1. TW I just had a vision of Kathy Bates in "Fried Green Tomatoes" going to that self awareness class. Where the instructor thinks she's too shy to look at her own Vajay jay but really she just needed help removing her girdle. Bwhaaaaa. Sorry. I just can't imagine the comments that would have come out of my mouth at such a party. Those youngin's would have turned tail and run so to speak. ;)

  2. Geez, this is hysterical.What will they think of next? Whoops, maybe I don't want to know.....

  3. Victoria, Texas? I'm screamin'! Oh, that is too funny. If I could only think of someone I know in Victoria, Texas that I could tell that I saw a billboard advertising the newest toys in Victoria, Texas. OMG! Or I could send them a postcard. Did I tell you about my friend Hellen in Comfort? I called her, asked what they'd been doin'. She said, oh, we're selling Viagra now. (when it first came out) I said, "that's nice"... got off the phone, on a BIG post card made up an order for 2 doz. Viagra packs, sent it to Hellen's address. The Post Office there, at the time, was kinda known for reading obvious stuff. Her husband went to pick up the mail, everyone was staring, he didn't know why. Long story, short version, they almost killed me. But it was funny! True story!

  4. I have to admit, I'd probably have gone to bed too... but with one of those little play things for company.

  5. So now we know what REALLY put you to bed so long!!! You've been missed, honey lamb. Tn'T

  6. Oh good grief, Cher, you completely skipped the IMPORTANT part that has us all hanging on the edge of our seat! What gun did IT guy buy?


  7. LOL! That was great. I've been slipped two business cards for these types of parties. Once I was at the church holding a yard sale to raise money for a young woman going on a missions trip to Peru. On the sly, an intimacy advisor slipped me a card. What a great laugh I had...couldn't wait to show FringeMan. I thought it may liven up our women's ministry. He thought it may kill a few of the women.


  8. David, a Springfield XD Subcompact 40 with night sites. He's been looking everywhere for one. Apparently, good gun stores are another of Victoria's secrets!

    The Texas Woman

  9. Oh wow, I loved your blog! I just posted it on my Facebook. I am the Chief Toy Officer & Pleasure Coach for my company out here in CA.

    I saw your friend's post about Fried Green Tomatoes, too. I had to reply with my BLOG POST that I just put up today about that scene in Fried Green Tomatoes. I hope you don't mind me sharing here.

    Sweet rifle. Love all things pretty and pink.

    Ok, here's my blog:

    www.blissconnection.blogspot.com and my very tasteful online romance store. Sounds like you had a fabulous pleasure party. You ladies in TX always seem like such nice girls.... LOL


  10. LOL! You are sooooo funny! Thanks for making me laugh! Angie

  11. I just want to know who they demonstrated on? omg I'm still laughing,

  12. Those .40 calibers are very popular now, but I've never shot one. My pistola is a .45 Kimber Stainless ProCarry. Tell IT Guy congrats on the gun purchase.


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