Sunday, May 10, 2009

Mother’s Day.
Bah. Humbug!

If you're the type who gets all misty eyed over this holiday, stop reading. This is for the parentally handicapped only.

And don’t email me what a bad daughter I am. I already know that. My mother told me so a thousand times.

For some of us, picking out cards for this holiday is tough. The verses on them are sugar-coated, smoochy, flowery, sucky up things that just don’t say what we really want them to say.

You don’t think so? How long did it take YOU to pick out a Mother’s Day card for your dear mother?

After looking at a million or so cards over the years, I’ve learned to translate the verses. As a public service, I offer the following:

Card: May your days be full of blooming bouquets of flowers.
Translation: To make sure, I’ll send them to the funeral home myself!

Card: Thank you for all the things you’ve taught me.
Translation: I’ll make sure you remember to take your bipolar meds from now on!

Card: You’re so sharing and giving.
Translation: Can I borrow some money?

Card: Happy Mother’s Day from across the miles.
Translation: And let’s keep it that way!

But the most difficult card to find is one appropriate for a nursing home resident. I offer the following verse to card makers:

While wheeling down
Those nursing home hallways,
Trying to remember
Where your room is,
Don’t forget I’ll love always
The fact you’re not
Living at my house.

OK, so it’s not perfect. I’m working on it.

Write your own nursing home card verse in the comments!


  1. I can't stop laughing! Your mind is a mystery! I wouldn't know where to start with a nursing home card verse!

  2. Mashed potatoes and lime green jello,
    Old hands grabbing my hand...a kiss & a hello.
    Mother's Day will come and go and pass,
    I'll miss it again, because you have gas!
    There won't be a visit from the grandkids or me,
    Because the nursing home smells strongly of pee!

  3. Old, dirty men grabbing your rear,
    You bought 'em off with cigars and beer!
    We can't enter your room without a knockin',
    Cause you have that hospital bed a'rockin'!
    I'm simply refuse to play your Mother's Day game,
    Because the more things change, the more they stay the same!

  4. You know I'll be back! You know you have begun my wicked mind to thinking!

    I would like to state that my Mom is NOT in a nursing home, nor is she a dirty old woman. She is a very conservative, Southern Baptist who still can't believe that she produced the likes of me!


  5. A wheelchair race...
    Food on your face...
    Old ladies rocking dolls...
    Spill, bruises and falls...
    Invisible friends are everywhere...
    Along with blank and cloudy stares...
    These are a few of my favorite things...
    TO MISS!

  6. What a shame some mother's earn these memories from their children. My wish for you is heartfelt and that God will give you peace if you ask and seek Him. Truly God Bless You, Sandi

  7. Cher in response to 2 comments, ALVN - On this subject your mind is not a mystery to me. Green Pea - Now, I think your mind probably is at peace. You do like to stir things up! Remember I met your son Michael, with a kid that neat, your mind must be in pretty good shape! Sorry I am not a poet. Angie

  8. I was blessed with a really great mom so I will refrain from writing a poem. But I do want to comment that I did work in a few nursing homes and I know first hand that not all little old ladies are "sweet". Sad to say, but many of them have no family visitors and usually there is a very good reason why. To all who survived their childhoods with their sanity intact, I salute you!

  9. "If you remember who I am...Happy Mother's Day blessings."
    (that wasn't our best...but it was a start!)
    kari & kijsa

  10. Laughing... definitely good comments.

    Rose are Red
    Violets are Blue
    Thank God that Nursing Home
    Still will keep you!

    Hope you had a great day!

  11. ROFL!

    I'm not a poet or a jingle writer, but you've all done very well.

    Cher, you should start a new line of cards for next year and sell them. I'd buy one!


  12. Thank you, thank you, thank you. From a now motherless daughter.

    M-Day doesn't mean much now and this made it a hoot.

  13. I love your brave free spirit. Your humor allows us to smile in the midst of sometimes painful memories. My boys forgave me my trespasses this year. Wheeee... that was close.

  14. There was an old woman from Nantucket
    Whose age was beginning to suck it
    A home was now clear
    And without any tears
    It was better than kicking the bucket

  15. I don't even think I can go "there"! My parents drove me absolutely insane, and when they got old and crazy, it was even worse. I could never buy cards because none really fit, so I had to struggle to find the plain ones. I'm really grateful now because Mother's Day has a whole new meaning for me. I think it makes up for all the shitty ones I had when my parents were alive!

  16. Since we're all headin' in that direction,
    let's meet up in the game room after breakfast,
    in 40 years. Hope to see ya'll there!

  17. Laughing... I came back and read this post again. I still love it.

    My sister is in a rehab now recovering from surgery. Apparently you get a private room with a shared bathroom. She was using the toilet when the other door opened and there stood an old man ogling...laughing... I thought she was going to have a heart attack. She was screaming at him to get out...and he wouldn't she had to call the nurses. Oh well...I'm sure she would have some good words to share.

  18. I must say...this is HYSTERICAL! Especially for me...since I have a mom I "disowned" finally at the age of 45! :) Ya just sometimes gets tired of figuring out "which person" they are going to see that day...and knowing "they" forgot to take their "pill" that day! :)

    Thank God for grandparents! At least for this Cajun!!! :)

    Thanks for the laugh! xo...deb


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