If you're the type who gets all misty eyed over this holiday, stop reading. This is for the parentally handicapped only.
And don’t email me what a bad daughter I am. I already know that. My mother told me so a thousand times.
For some of us, picking out cards for this holiday is tough. The verses on them are sugar-coated, smoochy, flowery, sucky up things that just don’t say what we really want them to say.
You don’t think so? How long did it take YOU to pick out a Mother’s Day card for your dear mother?
After looking at a million or so cards over the years, I’ve learned to translate the verses. As a public service, I offer the following:
Card: May your days be full of blooming bouquets of flowers.
Translation: To make sure, I’ll send them to the funeral home myself!
Card: Thank you for all the things you’ve taught me.
Translation: I’ll make sure you remember to take your bipolar meds from now on!
Card: You’re so sharing and giving.
Translation: Can I borrow some money?
Card: Happy Mother’s Day from across the miles.
Translation: And let’s keep it that way!
But the most difficult card to find is one appropriate for a nursing home resident. I offer the following verse to card makers:
While wheeling down
Those nursing home hallways,
Trying to remember
Where your room is,
Don’t forget I’ll love always
The fact you’re not
Living at my house.
OK, so it’s not perfect. I’m working on it.
Write your own nursing home card verse in the comments!